The night before my procedure was filled with very little sleep and a ton of nerves. My son even tried to help soothe my nerves by reading me some of his X-Men comics, unfortunately when Wolverine showed up with “KAPOW” “SLASH” “BOING” I couldn’t help but wince.

I took what I like to call my “nerve cocktail” and sat patiently waiting for it to kick in. Unfortunately, it didn’t kick in as much as I thought it would. I was expecting to not be able to say my own name with a lovely nurse consistently wiping drool away from the side of my mouth in military fashion, but that just didn’t happen. I got told to put a towel over my dude parts and the doctor came in and told me it was time to get started.

In all honesty, the anaesthetic really did do a great job once it got started, and it was nothing like the horrific images I had in my head the night before. I’ll be honest, I did feel the first incision. The doctor asked me if I could and I replied with a high-pitched “yes”. He said “mmm”…I can only take it as if “mmm” is doctor lingo for “that’s not supposed to happen”.

Either way, after four shots, I was good to go.

I did hear the cauterizing of the sperm tubes, and when you see smoke irradiating from your crotch, it can be a little terrifying. In fact, I actually jumped and tried to drop-kick the doctor in his temple. Not because of the pain, but because I didn’t expect that noise. (So now you know).

So after the procedure was done, I felt alright. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but my left ball did feel as though it was like the bad guy out of the Hellraiser movies. Pins and all.

Frozen peas became my best friend, and I probably slept with them more than I slept with my wife. With the procedure being done on the Friday, I was back at work on the Monday, and even though I was sore, with swollen balls and could barely walk, I’m glad I got the snip and in all honesty, it’s nothing to fear lads.

Just stock up on some frozen vegetables, your supersized swollen balls will thank you for it.