I have never been particularly paternal – no desire for the 2.2 kids lifestyle.
Everyone has a bad year, right?? The year where everything that can’t go wrong does??
That year for me was when I was 22.
In spite of all due diligence and precautions, I get the “I’m late” phone call from my gf. &^%$# Just what I need. 28 days after last one becomes 35 then 43 then FINALLY!!! Crisis averted. My over-the-top expressions of joy told her that “I didn’t love her and that I would be a horrible father” blah blah blah.
End of relationship.
Two months later. Ill-advised one-nighter. I get the “I’m late” phone call. (See where this is going??) Got the all-clear two weeks later. Yet another bullet dodged.
Next day made appt with doc for a referral to get snipped. Got in two weeks later. Stating my reason for being there and my age (was still 22 at the time!!! LOL) he told me to “get the **** out of my office” and that was that.
Back to doc for another referral.
Repeat of above.
Back to doc for another referral.
Doc #3 was running late. Finally 30-ish looking guy in motorcycle leathers and hair down his back comes in. (I was wearing my motorcycle leathers and have hair down my back.) SCORE!!! After retelling the above scenarios he asked if I wanted to freeze some and I said “no” to which he said “Good. I’ll do it for you. I don’t do it for guys who want to do that because they’re not certain. I got snipped when I was 22 so don’t have a problem doing it for you.” Then came the examination that revealed somewhat tender epididymi. Well, nothing’s happening until we figure out what’s going on down there, right?
So, I make an appt. for the vas and leave with a lab req. Yes, I’m asymptomatic for chlamydia and am probably already sterile and just don’t know it (didn’t get confirmation).
To recap: near miss, near miss, douche doctor, douche doctor, STI and possible involuntary sterility.
Two different courses of antibiotics and a month later, finally the BIG DAY!!
Doc running late. Swoops in wearing his leathers, hair flying. “Let’s do it, dude!!” he says loud enough to be heard the other side of town. LOL
After signing the waiver that confirms I’m of legal age, not under duress, blah blah, etc., we both put our hair into pony tails and I jump up on the table. He props it up and has me in the stirrups so I can watch. Impressed with my shaving job he uses this Madajet sci-fi looking anesthetic injector thing. Was really cool to see internal plumbing that I hope never to see again.
Seriously – 12 minutes later was done.
I go to put on the jock which I was told to bring and wear for first few days. I open up the box and imagine the nausea which overwhelmed me when I realized I hadn’t bought a jock but a THONG!!!! Doc laughs hysterically. “Any port in a storm, dude!!” (After a couple of days wearing them that’s all I’ve ever worn since!! LOL. TMI I know.)
He had me lie down for about half an hour just to make sure I was steady on my feet, etc. and that was it!!
That was Friday morning. Monday morning woke up at about 5:00 a.m. with excruciating pain. (No bruising or swelling. Looked rather pristine down there!!) Felt like I had a dozen place kickers practice on me. Doing the vasectomy shuffle into the office at 9:00 he feels around and says I’ve got a granuloma. Antibiotics will clear it up and pain med to handle the rest.
A week later I do a test drive. All good!! Two weeks later I give my first sample. Yes, you guessed it – there were still sperm – but DEAD sperm. WTF?? I’m told I have “long tubes” and that there must be a backlog somewhere. Try again in a month.
Yes, you guessed it – there were still sperm – DEAD sperm, but only half as much. WTF?? Try again in a month.
Yes, you guessed it – there were still sperm – but DEAD sperm. TWO dead sperm. The doc felt OK giving me the all clear.
WOO-HOO!!!
(Incidentally, it was my 23rd birthday!! There’s a gift not everyone gets!! LOL)
So, to recap: near miss, near miss, douche doctor, douche doctor, STI and possible involuntary sterility, thong instead of jock, dead sperm, dead sperm, almost no dead sperm and finally voluntary sterility.
Ironically, 9 months from start to finish.
You can’t write this stuff.
Have never regretted it and sometimes even forget that I was ever potent. LOL
To all readers considering it: REMEMBER it’s a vasectomy and not a castration. Tell the idiots who blither on otherwise to pipe down and get a brain. Look after yourself for a couple days after or you will pay in pain. Sex is better afterward because you don’t have to worry about a pregnancy anymore.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!
